Never Getting it Right

I haven't posted in a long while.  I started a new Bible reading plan last October, and it has taken over my life.  I use Grant Horner's Bible Reading plan  .http://www.challies.com/sites/all/files/attachments/professor-grant-horners-bible-reading-system.pdf  Basically, you read 10 chapters of the Bible a day.  Each of the 10 chapters comes from a different section of the Bible.  When I first started the new plan I was overwhelmed, but over the course of the year it has become easier and even enjoyable.  I feel happy that I have finally managed reading the Bible every day for several years because in prior years I never did enough reading and I always felt guilty about that.  But now that Bible reading has become a habit, I find that my prayer life suffers.  Will I ever get it right?

So when I  pray these days my mind is unfocused and wandering.  I start out my prayer simply by saying, Dear God, ... and then I begin wondering about that.  Is that what I should call him.  I know I was taught to call God Father, or Abba father.  Sometimes I used to pray "Dear Jesus", but that seems wrong somehow.  Then I start thinking about the many sermons I heard on the Lord's prayer and the  proper way to  pray, and before I know it I am no longer praying, but instead obsessing.  If I manage to get past the beginning, I start thinking about all the people I know that have requested prayer.  I start naming people, one at a time, asking God to bless them and "be with them".  Sometimes I ask for healing for them or myself.  At this point my prayer turns into a big list.  Then there's a bit of guilt over everyone I forgot to pray for.

The question occurred to me:  Is this the kind of prayer that led Jesus to escape up into the mountain to pray?  Is this the kind of prayer for which Peter was willing to be crucified upside down, and for which Paul was willing to be beaten and imprisoned?  Is this the kind of prayer that John experienced while exiled on the island of Patmos?  When Moses went up the mountain to talk with God, is this what he experienced?  I don't think so.  I want to experience something different when I pray.  I want prayer to be the thing that guides me through torture, imprisonment, punishment, trials, and pain.

In the past I have been able to pray best when I'm playing the piano or walking.  Perhaps I need to find a new pattern or method, but I do know I need to discipline my mind to stay on track.  I need to turn my prayers from journeys into anxiety and worry into actual conversations with God.  So in addition to my habit of reading the Bible I'm going to start a prayer journal of sorts.  I'm not sure how to proceed, but in it I want to write about what I read in the Bible, what I pray, and in what way I see those prayers answered or not answered.

I wish I could find a place of satisfaction with my life with God.  I wish the relationship was deeper and that I made better choices.  Maybe someday I'll get it right.