14 Good Reasons Why God Doesn't Heal

1. When you are in need of anything at all, just forget it. God does not respond to your needs or help you when you call. You see, there is always someone else out there in the world who is much worse off than you are. At one point or another you just have to grow up and realize that God is too busy for your small problem or pain. Maybe he just plain doesn't care. You have to remember God cannot manage the entire universe AND your stupid little life at the same time. You have to go easy on God.
2. That pain and heartache you were experiencing? When you experience pain and heartache, it is not really there. The truth of the matter is that you are healed. It is not your experience that is reality. Pain does not exist for you. It is what you SAY about your experience that is important. When you awake in the morning and your body is riddled with pain just say, "I am healed; I am not in pain." Then God, who is really too foolish to understand what it is you are doing will hear what you say and be tricked into healing you. Beside that, everyone has their own pain. Who do you think you are expecting God to help you with yours? (See #1).
3. You are being ludicrous to expect God to heal you. I mean, you can ask him, but we all know that he won't really do it. You see, God used to heal people. For three or four years in all of history he went a little nuts with the healing thing. Those people back then were sure lucky. You, on the other hand have to realize that God won't heal you like that. It isn't the right time in history. However, God made doctors and scientists. These people prescribe and develop wonderful pills which can help you with that pain you don't have. Take those drugs freely. They are God's gift to you and an outstanding substitute for his power. Don't feel guilty about it either. In effect, God made Vicodin. Pot, on the other hand . . . God might frown on that. Get your doctor to sign a paper. Then God will approve.
4. Music is a great distraction. When you don't want to face those awful truths of life just sing a happy little tune. You can sing louder than any discomfort or pain. Some things we are just not meant to know. Sing Jane, Sing! See Jane sing? Thinking about these topics makes people and God very uncomfortable. You should just keep your mouth shut unless you have something totally devoid of any meaning to say. God is easily wounded. He up and leaves the room when you get negative. How about some more songs?
5. You ungrateful little swine! God has given you so much. You have a husband who adores you. Considering how ugly you truly are that is a miracle in itself. You have beautiful children. A person like you actually figured out how to make a baby. And not just one. You did it twice. You have a home to live in. By the way, why don't you water the lawn now and then? You have food to eat. You should be satisfied with that. Maybe if you didn't have such high expectations. I know this really astute counselor. He could help you with those expectations you have. I should know, he played a big role in helping to destroy my faith. I can't wait to watch as he destroys yours. When I see you fail it makes me feel less like a weak-minded idiot.
6. It's all your fault. You know, we could all sit here and pray for you until doomsday but it would not change a thing. You apparently have some "hidden sin" in your life and you know that God can't stand to be in the same room as sin. Come on, out with it! I refrain from sinning myself, but I really get off when you talk about yours. On second thought why don't you keep all this confession stuff between you and God. If I am around too much talk about sin I'm likely to return to my old passions. I only think about holy things now. In fact, after we finish this conversation I am going to have to get myself cleansed so I won't catch your sin. Get yourself right with God woman!
7. You know, God really wants to heal you. His power is right here. It's like a mighty flowing river. You just aren't receiving it. Come on, jump in the river! Jump in! Get wet! I am doing everything I can. I pray. I fast. I be righteous. I be holy. You are defective. (See #6) You don't even know how to get in the river. It's like taking candy from a baby. Go ahead, take God's healing. If you're too stupid to figure out how to receive the power of God, then you probably deserve to stay sick. You mindless jerk!
8. God's list of priorities is much different than yours. You may think you need to have some help with this pain you aren't experiencing, but to God that pain is not even on his list. Let's pray about other problems you have, especially ones that can't be easily grasped or defined, like . . . unforgiveness. We'll ask God to do some inner healing. That way we can't SEE what he's doing so it won't make any of us feel bad when he does absolutely nothing. Let's see . . . let's go back to your early childhood memories. You had hate in your heart towards Mommy because she only let you have two Oreos instead of three. You never dealt with that. You are certainly a worm. No wonder you have imaginary pain.
9. Right at this moment God is doing something else somewhere else. He usually does neat things in faraway places. It's really a shame because just yesterday he was healing your very disease right in this place. But you missed it. You never seem to be in the right place at the right time. If you were really a spiritual person you would have been tuned in and God would have told you that he was healing your problem. But remember? You are defective. If I were you I would expend much time and energy and money moving from place to place. Hopefully you'll catch up to God. It works much like the story of creation. On the first day he made light. Then he divided up the waters and made the firmament. (Whatever that is.) Then he made the sun and the moon. Then he put birds in the sky and creatures in the ocean and on the ground. I might have the order wrong, but notice that God didn't create more birds on the day he created man. He can't do that. So if you missed the day that he is curing your disease you are in a heap of trouble. Do you understand? I mean, you can't argue with the Bible.
10. This whole thing just might be a communication problem. Maybe you just aren't calling your disease by the right name so God doesn't understand what it is you want. (Not that he really cares.) See #1. I know a lady who had a blood sugar problem. She kept praying to God and asking him to LOWER her blood sugar. Well, she got sicker and sicker. It turns out when the doctor did blood tests (See #3) her blood sugar was already too low. She should have asked God to RAISE her blood sugar. Poor stupid creature! You see, God was most likely very confused by this woman's request. You have to be very careful in the midst of your imaginary pain. I never heard what happened to her.
11. Death. Now this is a painful subject. Death is absolutely the best thing that ever happens to us human beings. No more pain. Death is the ultimate healing. I ask God to let people die all the time . . . OTHER people. Not me. I hope God isn't confused right now. (See #10). I have never figured out why people work so hard at suicide prevention. It is a mystery to me because like I said, "Death is the ultimate expression of God's healing." Now please don't get your feathers all ruffled. Abortion is the one exception to this rule. I work very hard to counsel those wretched loose girls who try to give their unborn children that ultimate gift of healing. Life belongs to God you know. That is a whole different topic; a completely different animal.
12. You really ought to try harder to emulate the great saints. They endured their pains and afflictions because they knew it gave great glory to God. They didn't whine about their troubles all the time like you do. Look, God made you this way with this disease. Be strong and courageous. Fortunately, God's will for my life doesn't involve hardship. That was his will for yours. Don't feel too bad, it's just another facet of your defectiveness.
13. It's a KARMA thing. Didn't you ever read Gary Zukav? In your heart of hearts you want this disease. You embrace it. You love it. In fact, you asked for it. You obviously have negative thoughts and they are coming back to bite you. Let's see, you grew up in a loving home, you left home and went to college where you had lots of fun and made friends. You fell in love, got married, had children, hoped for the future. Now all that is very negative. Bad karma, bad seed. I have these video tapes on positive attitude that I sell for a mere $400/set. If that doesn't work, I have these vitamins . . .they'll cost you even more. I know that getting my hands on your money will create some really good karma for me. Remember, you've put so much bad stuff out there that it's going to take lots of time (and money) for the good karma to outweigh the bad. Just send a check or money order for $400 (plus tax) to: LIFESUCKS, P.O. Box 7777777, Bonehead, NE 77777. Please allow 7 weeks for delivery. Include lots of extra cash to cover postage and handling.
14. I'm going to send you a letter. Inside the letter you will find a little swatch of material. Put the patch on wherever it hurts, then pray and ask God to heal you. Just to remind you, it is said that people in the early church were healed this way. People were constantly trying to cut off little pieces of Peter and Paul's clothing so it could be used for this purpose. It's in the Bible. Now the patch won't work unless you mail it back to me to be anointed with the right kind of oil. And I can't give you the right kind of oil unless you include a donation for at least $25. More would be nice. Your healing would last longer that way. $25 though, might buy you a few days without imaginary pain. I had a friend who tried to anoint the swatch of cloth with Wesson oil. That won't work. Wesson oil is not the right kind of oil so don't even try it. You see, special people must obtain special olive oil from a special olive tree in Israel. You can imagine that all this costs a lot of money. That's what your $25 (or more) donation pays for. God hates Wesson oil. Don't use it. Now there are a few of you wily souls out there who will try to use the cloth without the oil. It won't work dummy. Send in your money, I mean donation quick!